Life thoughts

Morning: omg why didn’t I do work last night!?

Before lunch: I hate that my associate talks to me about… work.

Lunch: THANK GOD. I love lunch in the city

After lunch: ok this is doable I can work late and get so much done

4:30: nope. Going home at five.

4:45: I will pretend to work for fifteen minutes

5:00: I will try to work from home

6:00: I deserve a break

Midnight: I’m going to bed. After a six hour “break.” Well, no one can really save the world in a single night


Flippity flop

Listening to: Ivan and Alyosha – Easy to Love

It’s 11:50 pm and I realized about an hour ago that in a single day I’ve completely changed my mind about something. Ok maybe not “completely” because I’m not naive enough to think I’m ever 100% certain of my thoughts but… I also feel more clarity than before?

This is the never ending debate of whether to quit my job or not.

I hated my job beginning a month ago. This was a new hate, the kind where I was for once certain that I was going to quit. Previously when the hate came around, I was still adamant that I had to stay through my first year as a senior, or I wasn’t sure if I should stay till manager. A week before my trip to Iceland I got thrown onto an engagement I hated. I didn’t dislike the client. I didn’t dislike the team. I wasn’t even on it for very long. I just hated the situation and the fact that I had just finished my own engagement early and my reward was not a week of relaxation but instead some new foreign team with expectations of me being a superstar while I strove to be a slacker.

(FYI: Getting the highest rank in your class only puts you about $2K more than your peers. My bonus was much higher but after tax it’s all negligible. Takeaway? Getting highly ranked is not worth the raised expectations of your managers and the lost weekend hours.)

I did my time there. I did not produce my best work and I did not care. And then I went to Iceland for two weeks.

During this time I spent one night handwriting a draft resume in a notebook. I think it was the third night we were in a hut during the four day hike. There was no electricity – we hadn’t had any for three days – and dinner wasn’t for a few more hours. So I wrote a resume.

I came back to US and immediately flew down to socal. I flew back up two days later and immediately started a new first year client. No time to think, no time to do anything personal that involved serious contemplation. Yesterday was the first time in a very very very long time that I slept in my own bed and slept a full night’s sleep. I’ve left work everyday at 5pm promptly and I haven’t felt that bad about it. I do not do any work after I get back home which is rare, almost impossible for leaving at 5. But for the past month I’ve been operating under the assumption that my energy was going to shift from work to job searching. So I just didn’t give a shit.

I would say Thursday night was the first day I ever put real effort into finding a new job. It feels nice. You can fantasize about finding a new job all you want but until you actually make a real solid effort, the idea of job searching seems much more like a burden, a hassle, an impossibility until you actually do … something.

Well my “I’m finally doing it!” high didn’t last long. In the span of a day (Saturday) I’ve gone from:

Morning – today I’m going to seriously job search! Fuck this job!

Afternoon – I can’t imagine leaving my co-worker(s) … but I will!

Late afternoon – first resume and cover letter sent!

Night – my alternative job idea doesn’t actually make THAT much more than I currently make … maybe my job does actually pay decently …

Late night – actually if I just push for an early promotion then once I quit I would probably be making a totally different bracket of income …

Later night – maybe I should just focus all my energy into getting early promoted …

And that’s how it is. I went from certainly quitting to … likely pursuing early promotion!?

What happened? Well I talked to two people today. I met with Danny at philz today. I wanted to essentially watch him be uncomfortable because I had gossip on him.  He wanted to meet because he knew I had gossip on him. Except he knew that the gossip was false. All the reasons I thought the gossip was true was actually just some ridiculously coincidental circumstances. I could not stop laughing about how everything was just coincidentally stacked against his favor and we both agreed there is probably no way he will be able to tell his side of the story to everyone in the office.

Then Danny and I just talked very truthfully about our lives and goals and desires and motivations. And it was just … illuminating? It made me realize that my priorities had somewhat changed in the past few months. His priorities had become more clarified. We have completely opposite priorities yet we both understood each other completely.
But the important thing is that during this conversation I told him I wanted to be considered for early promotion even though I mainly just wanted to quit. Who knows if this will happen but a “who knows” bodes better than “there’s no way.” Things are actually pretty well stacked in my favor for an early promotion. I’m not sure if I can really handle it but if I’m lucky enough to get it, part of me thinks, why not. I think doing what I’m doing for the next two years (the typical pace on this career path) is too boring. So we shall see.

Then I went home. Made my first smoothie in maybe two months. I am so happy to be drinking vegetables again. Then I talked to my housemate’s boyfriend and realized … if I got early promoted and made manager … my salary is not that bad. True, I could be making more if I leave right now. True, I think I would have much more free time, and I wouldn’t have to put up with the bullshit that is SOX and the frustrations of certain clients. But if I leave later … I could demand a much higher salary. Higher, I think, than what I’d be making if I left now.

And then I guess it was like a ding! Stop playing the short sighted game. Aim higher. Pay attention to what’s going on internally in the firm. One year is really not that long. I am only 25. A little longer in one place and who knows?

So I guess that’s that. I think the main point of clarity for me today was, a year is relatively a very short amount of time.