Listening to: Demi Lovato – Something That We’re Not
The past week has probably been my least productive week that I can recall. The factors in place were 1) an overwhelming number of things to do for work, 2) working from home, 3) apathy about work, 4) overly secure in regards to my work evaluations and 5) miserable about personal life.
Each time I did one little thing, like write a sentence, I’d then sit and think about my life for the next two minutes (minimum). Or I’d just take a break from it all, promising to fully concentrate on work after the mid-day hiatus. I’d take the break (or several) but I’d never do what I promised myself I’d do afterwards.
I know there’s some sort of program for this somewhere out there, but electronically, I need to
– block any attempts to access gmail, facebook, twitter or celebrity gossip sites
– have a really good playlist that is at all moments, exciting enough to keep me entertained, mellow enough to not distract me and make me want to jump around, lyrically indistinguishable enough so that choice phrases don’t cause me to sit and reflect on my life, and still … good, relatively refreshing, yet not so new that I’d want to start searching out new artists.
– block any attempts to access Instagram, Snapchat, ThoughtCatalog and even BBC News on my smartphone (reading the news is when I get desperately listless)
Emotionally I wish there were a way for me to
– block any thoughts of a certain someone, all the hypothetical scenarios that run through my brain, the good ones and the bad ones, all the excuses and rationalizations I create for myself, all the questions and self-doubt
– block the feeling that comes after a small sense of accomplishment, the feeling where I think whatever I accomplished is meaningless compared to the pressures of everything else I have not yet tackled. Somehow instead of fueling my work productivity, each time I do something I feel like my need to work comes to a grinding halt
– focus on the task at hand and not constantly question whether I’m using all of my free time for something I am going to regret one day
I guess I’ll take a shower and when I come back I’ll REALLY do this thing I was supposed to do.