I need to stop drinking Philz at freaking 7pm at night because I end up being wide awake at 1am, thinking my heart is going to explode from anxiety and feeling like I am going to vomit. Yet … I CAN’T RESIST IT.
Which is why I’m up now … I can’t motivate myself to keep working yet I don’t want to read anything and I’ve already watched a few FNL episodes today and I feel like I wanted to blog recently I just have no idea what I wanted to write.
So, random thoughts:
– I love LA but I never really know if I would still love LA if I actually lived there.
– Demi Lovato’s new CD is good! I guess I haven’t listened to the radio in months and I JUST heard Heart Attack for the first time yesterday. Now I just play her album off Spotify all day long and get kind of annoyed when people interrupt a song.
– I’m going on vacation in less than 36 hours and I have once again not planned it … well. It’s vaguely planned. And at least I have a smartphone now.
– People always say that the more you date the more you realize what you really want out of life. I guess that’s true but I have also experienced a nasty shock of realizing that I am a much more awful, picky, materialistic person than I would have expected. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I am terrible person and maybe I need to loosen up on my “I hate picking up after animal poo” mindset because maybe I will get some cats or dogs after all.
– My coaching meeting today has only confirmed that I should probably start looking for a new career.
– I have been letting my team off at 5pm every day and while I honestly think I gave them as much work as possible … I suddenly have so much shit to do and it’s starting to overwhelm me. I was supposed to just sit and do work tonight but that didn’t happen. I can’t tell if I’m stressed because of the work I have not yet completed or if I’m just having coffee anxiety.
– My coach asked me what I like about my job and I laughed really hard. Then I said “I like how Danny knows that I work best alone so he’ll let me go home and work.”
– I really need to go to the gym more. Every time I really stare into the mirror or look at a picture of myself, I realize I’ve gotten fatter. Also, one of my senior managers is currently on a diet and has SIGNIFICANTLY lost weight. This has somehow ignited a fear in me that I am progressing towards middle aged weight gain.
– I think the most telling sign that I need something new in my life is that I got really good ratings for two of my engagements but I didn’t care at all. My criticism is always “you need to train more.” But I have nothing else to really strive for I guess. It’s nice to get a good rating but at the end of the day I know that it’s not a huge difference in my salary, and I wonder if all those hours of my life is really worth one rating over another. Getting a good rating just makes life seem so much more meaningless. Although I guess that’s better than getting super pissed about working hard and getting an ok rating. I don’t know. All I know is I can never just be happy with what I have.
– I’ve already lost my fascination with my smartphone. I started off thinking I’d be so educated and I’d read BBC and watch Ted Talks. Reading daily news headlines is too depressing and now I never bother watching Ted Talks. Basically I only ever use Instagram and even that’s getting boring because there’s only so many ways someone can take a picture of architecture or food before it all starts to blur.
– I know that one person’s opinion really should not matter but I keep wondering “why doesn’t this person like me?” Obsessed. And I can hear myself telling EVERYONE about this. It’s like word vomit.
– If anything, writing this entry has only made me feel the caffeine effects even more
– I used a Keurig machine for the first time last week which also marks the first time I ever “made” coffee myself (ie. I did not just say an order to a barista). I feel like this is the beginning of a terrible, caffeinated, stained teeth, jittery road ahead.
– My team eats at Chick Fil A way too much. It bothers me on a moral and health level yet I cannot get enough of the sauce
Me: You know what guys, I think I’m actually kind of over Chick Fil A
Ken and Rochelle: WHATTT no way.
Me: Yeah! I think my heart’s just fallen out of love
Ken: I think your heart is actually just clogged with sauce
Chick Fil A guy: Do you want any sauce with that?
Me: YES. Chick Fil A please.
Chick Fil A guy: Like … how many?
Me: A handful please. *watching him grab too small of a handful* Um, no. FOUR. I need four.
Me: I don’t even really love the fries, I just need to use them to get to the sauce
Ken: They’re not fries to you. They’re just sauce receptacles.
– I am constantly wondering why this one person is relatively unresponsive to me and I’ll keep making excuses. Yet, when someone I am not interested in messages me I react in the exact same way that the person who is basically ignoring me does. It’s amazing how delusional humans can be. Even I can recognize that I am probably deluding myself yet that little stubborn glimmer of hope just won’t go away.
– Ok I really need to get something that will negate the effects of coffee. I don’t know if such a thing exists. If I’m jittery from caffeine … do I have to smoke pot to get it to go away? That seems like another terrible road to go down. I NEVER used to drink coffee.
– Fuck how it is already May. I feel like a failure in so many respects.
– I think writing this entry is finally starting to achieve what I really wanted in the first place: boring myself to death with my inane thoughts so that I’d fall asleep.
– I wonder which friends keep track of me on which social media. WordPress vs. twitter vs. instagram vs. facebook vs. e-mail vs. text messaging. I wonder if people get the same impression of me or if I come off differently in different applications.