Work Quotes

January 24, 2013 at 8:54 PM (Uncategorized)

Listening to: Nari & Milani – Atom (my driving song)

Beck & Charlotte Gainsbourg – Paradisco (Arston, Buck Lesson and Dis Play remix)

Me: Charles, I was going to ask you to wash out my cup before you go on our Starbucks coffee run but … I guess that’s too mean
Charles: I’ve never talked to the other first years but I’m pretty sure they aren’t asked to do the things I do
Me: It doesn’t matter what they do Charles. What matters is what we tell you to do.

Renee: Charles texted me and said his credit card has fraudulent activity on it so it’s been cancelled
*silence in the audit room*
Danny: So …….. is he getting bagels tomorrow or not
Erik: Yeah – how is this supposed to affect the four people in this room?
Danny: As long as we get our bagels tomorrow, I don’t care
All of us: HAHAHAHA
Erik: There is a special place in hell for us four
Me: I’m pretty sure THIS is our hell
Danny: Well if it’s not this, it’s something that VERY CLOSELY resembles this room

Renee: How long did you two end up dating?
Ryan: Three years
Renee: THREE YEARS!? ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING? THREE YEARS?!
Ryan (thinking Renee was trying to say he’s unable to commit): What?
Renee: THREE YEARS?! OMFG
Ryan: Wait what? What happened?
Me: Renee just can’t comprehend a relationship lasting that long.

*Ryan trying to make people on our team feel better about not getting over their exes*
Ryan: Listen. I dated that girl for three years. And I’ve been married for Jamie for six years, been dating for eight —
Danny: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SPECIAL.

Me: You know … after dinner last night I realized I don’t know how to socialize with people outside of this team anymore. Every time I think I’m saying something hilarious, everyone thinks they need to comfort me or they give me an awkward look
Danny: We’re the only ones who understand each other

*at 10:30pm last night*
Danny: I won’t lie. This status sheet is NOT your guys’ best work. I’m going to send out my revised version and I want each of you to open the one you sent me, and think about how the two documents differ
Renee: OMG I JUST WANT TO GO HOME
Me: Danny, clearly no one is going to do that. Let’s just go home

Erik: It’s been four years and I am still depressed
Danny: Wait … how long was your relationship?
Erik: Seven years.
Danny: SEVEN YEARS?
Erik: You know, they say the amount of time it takes people to get over someone is half the duration of the relationship
Danny: HALF?!?! OMG. I don’t want to be thirty and still depressed. I just want to get over the bitch now.

Me: I feel like our audit team outing this year should be a roadtrip where we go and terrorize our exes. We’ll start in Seattle for Renee, come back down to CA for Danny, then end in Mexico for Erik
Danny: omg … I can just hear it now “Anthony? We need to run through these expenses for our bail money …”

Danny: I’m thinking today we’re leaving no later than … 4pm
Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS?! 4 PM?!
Danny: WHAT
Me: You can’t drop shit like this on me! I don’t have any plans tonight! I’m going to be going home WHEN THE SUN IS OUT?! I’m going to be SO LONELY AND DEPRESSED WITHIN THREE HOURS

Me: Guys ……….. you guys are great. I’m glad we’re on a team togethre
*silence in the audit room*
Renee: …….. thanks ………… why do you say that?
Me: I just wanted you all to know before ………..
Danny: Before what?
Me: before I kill myself
Everyone in the room: HAHAHAHAHA
Danny: The really sad thing is that if you ever did kill yourself, when they interview us four, since we were the four closest people to you, they’d be like “so were there any signs?” and we’d have to say “well … she said every day how she was depressed and wanted to kill herself but we just laughed in her face …”
*five minutes later*
Danny: Please don’t kill yourself. Just … for the sake of us not feeling guilty.

Me: Charles, what are you doing this weekend?
Charles: I’m not sure ….. Erik mentioned that I may have to do some work for him?
Me: What are you talking about?
Danny: Yeah don’t listen to Erik. You’re not working this weekend
Me: Wait what did he want you to do?
Charles: He said I could help tie out the investments statement?
Me: No. You’re not doing that. You can do whatever this weekend and on Monday you’ll tie out the 10K
Charles: Oh … so that’s not going to get tied out over the weekend?
Danny: Oh no, that’s all yours
Me: The 10K will be waiting for you when you get in on Monday. I wouldn’t want to rob you of such a fantastic learning opportunity.

Permalink Leave a Comment

More Work Quotes: My forever alone audit team

January 16, 2013 at 2:09 AM (Uncategorized)

Listening to: Chris Lake and Michael Woods – Black Thong

I think every time our team every has an extended conversation together as a break in the auditing monotony, we ALWAYS circle around the fact that we are all single and/or very unlikely to ever find love

Danny: Well I basically go home to my mom
Renee: And I go home to my grandma
Me: OMG I don’t even have anyone to go home to! I go home to an empty house!
Erik: And I haven’t talked to my roommates in a while so I am also alone.

Me: Danny? So … I’m going to a concert on February 17th … can I … leave work then …
Erik: So am I
Danny: Fine. Whatever. Go.
Me: And ……….. I have a concert on February 8th …
Erik: And I have a concert on March 15th
Danny: What the hell’s going on. When are these days anyway? February 17th? That’s a Sunday. When’s your concert?
Me: I don’t know … like 8?
Danny: omg then I don’t care. What day’s the 8th?
Me: A Friday … it’s at 8pm …
Danny: Why are you telling me this. I don’t care. Yes you can go.
Me: WELL. There are only TWO things on my social calendar for the next month so I felt like I had to share that with someone
Danny: Oh my god. Well you should have told me that before I responded with “I don’t care”

Danny: I LOVE Morgan Page. She’s the love of my life
Me: Morgan Page is a man
Danny: WHAT?! He definitely sounds like a girl
Me: OMFG that’s just the vocalist. Morgan Page is the DJ. AND HE IS A MAN.

Danny: What’s priority one?
Renee: Taxes
Danny: What’s priority two?
Renee: Price testing
Danny: What’s priority three?
Renee: Kill myself.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Resolution 2013 #1: BUY BRAS

January 9, 2013 at 12:00 AM (Uncategorized)

Listening to: Sando Silva & Quintino – Epic

I think in 2011 I did weekly Weekend Updates and basically summarized whatever amazing thing I did over the weekends. I had no such blogging goals in 2012.

Well for 2013, in line with Kristen’s 52 resolutions thing (something inspired by reddit) I guess I’ll try to achieve some weekly goal and document that. To be honest, I had no such plans to do so on January 1st. But I just achieved one goal and it’s close enough to the beginning of the year so … why not. We’ll see how long this lasts.

The thing is I have not yet gone through the trouble of actually listing out 52 goals. But this definitely counts as one as it is something I have wanted to do for a while. I guess the list will come when it becomes apparent that I’m just making up fake accomplished goals

BUYING BRAS.

I guess a better resolution would have been to actually go to the mall and get properly sized. I don’t have the time any more though. I’m not sure if I’m a 34C, 36C, 34D or 36D. I just bought five bras off of Victoria’s Secret (semi-annual sale going on now!) that were all 34C. Hopefully I guessed correctly.

Today was my last day of freedom. Tomorrow begins fieldwork at my busy season client. We had a call today where my manager said our expectation should be, seven days a week until after the earnings release. Earnings release is scheduled for around February 25th. Weekdays will stay until past 10pm (my experience has been until midnight every weekday). Weekends will stay until dinnertime, so 7pm.

I can’t quite claim that I spent my last day of freedom well. I was supposed to do about five other things to keep my personal life intact but I only did one. And now I’m sleepy. Ok, I guess buying bras counts as two.

Permalink 1 Comment

Money and Coffee

January 6, 2013 at 12:33 PM (Uncategorized)

Listening to: Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko – Stay (Bass King vs. X Vertigo remix) (I typically hate all Rihanna songs but her voice has been so autotuned you can’t quite tell it’s her)

Every year my mom and I get into a little squabble when I get home because she wants me to go to the bank and move all my money into a CD or a money market account to gain interest. Usually she tells me to do this as I’m lying on the floor of my room, watching some show. So naturally, my initial response is “I don’t feel like doing that right now.” She’ll ask it once and then mention it once a day every day after that until on the last day of my stay, we finally go to the bank and we move some money around. Against my better judgment, I can’t help but be annoyed, because I personally don’t care about trying to make some $50 over the course of a year on some 0.1% interest account. But I know that I am just being lazy and she has a valid point that making $50 is better than making the $5.00 that BofA gives me in my checking account.

My company also gives us very shitty spot bonus awards. Basically if you do well on an engagement, a manager will write you a little card and you can redeem it for $25. I would almost rather the manager just write me a longer, more heartfelt card praising me and not have a monetary award because the low dollar value seems like such an insult. Last time I went to the office and found one in my mail folder. An associate was with me and I asked him “do you know what this is?” “No.” “It’s a spot bonus. I just earned $25. Do you know how I earned it?” “No, how?” “I busted my ass for the past three weeks.”

I think I collected four in the past few months. The only engagement that I’ve been on that hasn’t given me one this year is my main public client and I know my manager is too busy being single and sad and suffering from bronchitis to write one to me.

I have finally accepted the sad fact that I have been trying to avoid for the past two weeks: I have definitely lost the $100 Philz gift card that I purchased for myself just a little while ago. I have lived the past three years under the philosophy that if I lost something, it would eventually turn up. There are only so many places I go in life and those are: work, home, car, Philz, gym. The things I misplace the most are my phone, my driver’s license and my credit card. That’s because I just put them in whatever pocket is most convenient or throw them around my car and I don’t carry my wallet anymore. Well I have no idea where my Philz gift card is and now it pains me a little to come to this cafe and spend money. My experience has been tainted by my own inability to keep track of my belongings.

The point of this is to say, even the best laid plans can be deterred by small moments of stupidity. For all that work of earning a little here and there … some rando on the street is reaping the benefits of 30 delicious cups of Philz coffee.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Chicken Soup

January 3, 2013 at 10:56 PM (Uncategorized)

Listening to: Matchbox 20 – Put Your Hands Up (Swanky Tunes remix)

Me: I made chicken soup – I bought chicken breast, celery, carrots, potatoes, tomatoes, onion …
Mom: Oh wow I am very impressed!
Me: It wasn’t very good though
Mom: Well of course it wasn’t – you bought chicken breast
Me: Well what am I supposed to buy?!
Mom: You should have got chicken quarters. Chicken breast is the worst part of the chicken for soup. It’s the least tender
Me: Well why did my recipe say chicken breast then
Mom: Oh. Well. It must have been a white person’s recipe. That’s ok.

So I got sick on New Year’s Eve and it was made much worse after my night out. But I am amazed to find that drinking two entire bottles of OJ for two days and making my own chicken soup made me feel much better! I guess you don’t need modern medicine

Danny (who’s had bronchitis for the past few days): I was coughing so much I vomited
Me: Oh my god your life is so awful
Danny: I thought I was going to die
Me: Did you feel a sense of relief wash over you?
Danny: I think as I lay there vomiting, a smug smile spread across my face

Me: Sorry I can’t go – I already have dinner plans
Natalie: Where?
Me: Barbacoa?
Natalie: Oh I love that place! Wait … did you mean Barbacco? Because one’s an Italian restaurant and one’s a Chipotle meat

Permalink Leave a Comment

2012 in summary

January 1, 2013 at 8:45 PM (Uncategorized)

Top 5 songs of the year:

1. Hands down, no question: Alesso & Dirty South – City of Dreams
2. Tiesto ft. Sultan, Ned Sultan & Quilla – Walls
3. Swedish House Mafia – Don’t You Worry Child
4. Otto Knows – Voices (because of its infinite mashup potential)
5. Alesso & Sebastian Ingrosso – Calling (Lose My Mind)
6. Of Monsters and Men – King and Lionheart (technically 2011 produced but I feel like I have to throw in an indie song here)

Most heard phrase:
“Well it’s just a different generation—”

OH MY GOD. Does EVERY generation have to hear “it’s just a different generation?” as they progress through adulthood? Or was something (ie. the internet) really such a game changer that we really are a totally different generation? I hear this phrase thrown around SO much. I think it’s the new, more derisive way of saying ‘well when I was your age—” (I didn’t do stupid shit like this). It seems like our generation is characterized by an incredibly high sense of self-importance and a belief that the world owes something to them. I don’t remember the flaws of the generations before us, other than one of them had a ton of babies.

Best show I watched:
GIRLS. It’s just easy to watch. It has its shining moments but it’s layered enough that it’s not just punchline after punchline.

Best experience of the year:
Beyond Wonderland

Best concert of the year:
If I discount Beyond Wonderland as a concert … I think it would be … the Of Monsters and Men set at NSSN or The Shins in Santa Cruz. Both concerts with Jon.

Vacations in order of awesome:
1. Impromptu week-long Seattle trip involving rideshare with Darcy, flat tire fixed by Carlos, Cascade Mts exploring…
2. Impromptu Monterey weekend trip involving me staying in the house rented for one of our audit teams, dancing around the guest house alone and blasting my music, hiking and feeling peaceful
3. Chicago weekend trip with Eugene and Natalie after training involving a … 43 or something floor apartment, bars until closing and hangover brunch
4. Impromptu week-long NY trip involving food, walking, and stubbornly eating chicken & rice in the pouring rain at Rockefeller Center
5. Hawaii trip involving Maui, Oahu, family

Lessons of the Year:
1. DO NOT quit job before having another job. Given my personality, I am pretty sure I will be driven into a deep depression
2. Plan international trips earlier
3. I do not like having to teach people things

Favorite pastime of the year:
Driving to Kathy’s and 1) sitting around her house, 2) swimming and 3) going to Sideboard

Obsession of the year:
Looking for downloadable live DJ sets
My favorite: Alesso at Tomorrowland

Accomplishment of the year:
Essentially giving up celebrity gossip

Permalink Leave a Comment