Listening to: Nari & Milani – Atom (my driving song)
Me: Charles, I was going to ask you to wash out my cup before you go on our Starbucks coffee run but … I guess that’s too mean
Charles: I’ve never talked to the other first years but I’m pretty sure they aren’t asked to do the things I do
Me: It doesn’t matter what they do Charles. What matters is what we tell you to do.
Renee: Charles texted me and said his credit card has fraudulent activity on it so it’s been cancelled
*silence in the audit room*
Danny: So …….. is he getting bagels tomorrow or not
Erik: Yeah – how is this supposed to affect the four people in this room?
Danny: As long as we get our bagels tomorrow, I don’t care
All of us: HAHAHAHA
Erik: There is a special place in hell for us four
Me: I’m pretty sure THIS is our hell
Danny: Well if it’s not this, it’s something that VERY CLOSELY resembles this room
Renee: How long did you two end up dating?
Ryan: Three years
Renee: THREE YEARS!? ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING? THREE YEARS?!
Ryan (thinking Renee was trying to say he’s unable to commit): What?
Renee: THREE YEARS?! OMFG
Ryan: Wait what? What happened?
Me: Renee just can’t comprehend a relationship lasting that long.
*Ryan trying to make people on our team feel better about not getting over their exes*
Ryan: Listen. I dated that girl for three years. And I’ve been married for Jamie for six years, been dating for eight —
Danny: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SPECIAL.
Me: You know … after dinner last night I realized I don’t know how to socialize with people outside of this team anymore. Every time I think I’m saying something hilarious, everyone thinks they need to comfort me or they give me an awkward look
Danny: We’re the only ones who understand each other
*at 10:30pm last night*
Danny: I won’t lie. This status sheet is NOT your guys’ best work. I’m going to send out my revised version and I want each of you to open the one you sent me, and think about how the two documents differ
Renee: OMG I JUST WANT TO GO HOME
Me: Danny, clearly no one is going to do that. Let’s just go home
Erik: It’s been four years and I am still depressed
Danny: Wait … how long was your relationship?
Erik: Seven years.
Danny: SEVEN YEARS?
Erik: You know, they say the amount of time it takes people to get over someone is half the duration of the relationship
Danny: HALF?!?! OMG. I don’t want to be thirty and still depressed. I just want to get over the bitch now.
Me: I feel like our audit team outing this year should be a roadtrip where we go and terrorize our exes. We’ll start in Seattle for Renee, come back down to CA for Danny, then end in Mexico for Erik
Danny: omg … I can just hear it now “Anthony? We need to run through these expenses for our bail money …”
Danny: I’m thinking today we’re leaving no later than … 4pm
Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS?! 4 PM?!
Me: You can’t drop shit like this on me! I don’t have any plans tonight! I’m going to be going home WHEN THE SUN IS OUT?! I’m going to be SO LONELY AND DEPRESSED WITHIN THREE HOURS
Me: Guys ……….. you guys are great. I’m glad we’re on a team togethre
*silence in the audit room*
Renee: …….. thanks ………… why do you say that?
Me: I just wanted you all to know before ………..
Danny: Before what?
Me: before I kill myself
Everyone in the room: HAHAHAHAHA
Danny: The really sad thing is that if you ever did kill yourself, when they interview us four, since we were the four closest people to you, they’d be like “so were there any signs?” and we’d have to say “well … she said every day how she was depressed and wanted to kill herself but we just laughed in her face …”
*five minutes later*
Danny: Please don’t kill yourself. Just … for the sake of us not feeling guilty.
Me: Charles, what are you doing this weekend?
Charles: I’m not sure ….. Erik mentioned that I may have to do some work for him?
Me: What are you talking about?
Danny: Yeah don’t listen to Erik. You’re not working this weekend
Me: Wait what did he want you to do?
Charles: He said I could help tie out the investments statement?
Me: No. You’re not doing that. You can do whatever this weekend and on Monday you’ll tie out the 10K
Charles: Oh … so that’s not going to get tied out over the weekend?
Danny: Oh no, that’s all yours
Me: The 10K will be waiting for you when you get in on Monday. I wouldn’t want to rob you of such a fantastic learning opportunity.